Well That's That

I took dd off the table last night.

There was no burning of the implements. We don't really have any.

There was no knock down drag out fight.

There was no spanking in anger.

It had just been on my mind and last night after saying something I really needed to say to Jack I thought about it and felt brave enough to share that I wanted to take it off the table.

Jack has said it just didn't feel like 'him'. Like it was pulling him a direction he didn't really want to go. I want to reduce stress for Jack not add it and I felt it was the right thing to do.

He asked what about me. I told him I think we can continue working at achieving closeness. That is what I mostly crave.

I still like the whole idea of dd. Shows of dominance still give me butterflies in my stomach. Confidence in a man to me is still sexy as hell. I'll still take a nice spanking. I'd even take a rough spanking.

I can't force Jack to be something he doesn't feel he is. I need real remember? So we will find a new way.

He seemed relieved and then after a bit of silence asked what if he wanted to put dd back ON the table later.

I told him then I guess we would have to talk it over.

I don't want to disappear. I like this space I've created for sharing my thoughts and feelings. We will still be composing us...just not in a dd sense.

Perhaps I will still have something to offer. Maybe I can still find a way to relate relationship stuff. Or maybe I could just write fiction and live vicariously through my characters.

It's a big change but I'm still just a girl much like many who I've read about and while I am no longer on this journey of dd it still isn't the beginning. I'm still trying to figure out all this stuff in the middle. I'm still me Jillian Bea.

Not A Stalker

I'm posting my answers for Stormy's pop quiz here because I feel like it. Enjoy!

1-by drinking from the sink (even though you never allow it) bad cat mean ogre

2-the...ipaddle (?)

3-MICE!

4-a lamb...baaaaaaaaahahahahahaha...sorry

5-pull you over his knee

6-Melody

7-15 minute

8-9 days of spanking fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive golden rings! but then you got a day off at the last minute so 8 days of spanking (clever putting that as number 8)

9-drat,I don't know this one

10-humidifier slash vaporizer (just covering my bases)

11-feisty (ish?)

12-boo wah...The Ogre God?

13-none

14-L

15-oh dear...

16-Angel

17-too dark!

18-er....

19-all the single ladies all the single ladies

20-obey the rules!!

21-I'm just a lowly pop (quiz) star

and also not a stalker. So glad to have cleared that up. I am a loyal fan though and didn't look back for any answers. Especially the ones I didn't know.

Thirty Nine

My blogger home page says

39 followers

39 posts and

8939 page views.

I though that was blog worthy since it could all change tomorrow.

Hmmmm I wonder what else is 39?

Not me I'm 29.

My birthday is not March 9th.

I do not have 39 cats.

It is not 39 days until my 30th birthday.

In 2039 I'll be 57.  Eeep.

I've never gotten close to 39 swats.

39 is a prime number.

Hmmmmm what do you have?

Tell me of someway 39 could be significant to you today.

Because well,I just feel like interacting with you all.

Maybe I could get 39 comments and if I do...if I get exactly 39 comments I will ask Jack for 39 swats.

Play with me!

Going Up

Six months ago Jack went out for dinner and I texted him telling him all about dd and how I wanted to have this kind of relationship.

It's definitely been an adventure.

Ups and downs. Highs and lows. Ons and offs.

Lately I have no idea if we are even considered a dd couple.

Life. It's big and it sometimes gets in the way. Funny as that sounds it's true somehow.

I feel like I can't say it loud enough or clear enough or enough enough.

But it's just not Jack.

I'm not sure I understand what Jack wants or needs me to be.

Sometimes he's exactly who I need him to be. Sometimes I don't even feel like we know each other. Sometimes I can't even find him.

Maintenance.

He still does it. I think he feels obligated. Like he is fulfilling some need of mine. It's always the same quiet affair. He rolls me over,6 pops with the brush and off he trudges to his side of the bed where he rolls over and off to sleep he goes.

No words. He's doing it like he said he would.

This is not dd. This is not what I imagined. I had hoped it would open up little pathways of connection. Give us something that was just for us in our crazy busy lives when time can't always be made nor money spared to go out 'dating'. Give us a tool to use to work through issues.

I had hoped we could feel closer by not letting things sit between us. By having a secret like two people in a new relationship just starting out. There is something electric about that. And fun.

I had hoped to spark something in our sex life.

I feel strangely at peace. Disconnected but content.

I don't know where we stand in all of this. I don't think I'll go looking for answers. I'll just wait to see what happens.

For now I'll just...be.

Ahem.


So I wrote that post and saved it in my draft folder and then something happened. It happened the next day. The next day was Wednesday. Maintenance day. I had let go of this wild dream. Said my farewell to dd and searched deep for an inner peace.

I don't know if I had found that peace exactly but some version of it. Bedtime came around. I got ready for bed and crawled in. Jack did the same. We were on our way to sleep when he says

It's Wednesday

I replied

Mm hm


He said something about

I didn't forget you,I just forgot what day it was.

He tossed back his covers walks around to my side of the bed rustles around in the dark for the brush and while he is doing all of this I am trying to figure out how I feel about it.

I had let it all go. I didn't want him doing it just to placate me but I truly want to try this out and see if it's a good fit. I never want to hamper a take charge moment that Jack is having so I stayed quiet.

He found the brush,climbs back into his side of the bed and scoots close to me. I hadn't moved this entire time.

As expected he rolls me over. He says something,I don't remember what. He swatted me twice. Then something crazy happened. He grabbed one side of my underwear and pulled up exposing one side of me.

He musses about what it will feel like on bare skin. He gave a test swat. Then my underwear was just to much for him I guess. He hastily found the waistband and tugged them down.

Inside I was baffled. Here I was letting all this go trying to figure out a way end my blogging streak or if to end my blogging streak and now suddenly after six months he pulls out a little piece of dominant and on a whim decides to spank me on bare skin.

I didn't have long to be baffled. He did two more test strokes and asked if it hurt. Well, I had to be honest.....not really.

He gained confidence and while still keeping the number of swats low he let the rest go with quite a zing.

Ouchie.

My mind raced and I found myself asking if I was sure I wanted this. I thought of well YOU all. I did a quick comparison to make sure what he was delivering was equal to what you guys might be experiencing. I decided there was no way to tell. I tried to count them.

Each of my thoughts were fleeting and broken and I didn't get an exact count. More than six less than twelve?

He finished and rubbed away the sting. Amazing how that soothes.

When he came back to bed after putting away the brush I felt close to him. I just needed to be held. I scooted over to him and snuggled up ready for sleep. I wanted to ask him what had gotten into him. I wanted to know if he had dug around in my draft folder on blogger, reading something that inspired the evenings events. Really I just wanted to know if that was all him or not. I didn't want to have influenced all that. I wanted it to have come from him. I just couldn't ask...until the next day.

He came home from work acting kind of clingy. He wanted lots of attention and affection so we snuggled on the couch. I finally decided to ask about the night before.

What got into you last night?


What do you mean?


You know...it was different.

Luckily he got it and I don't think I had to say spanking or maintenance or anything directly related to dd that might help him understand what in the world I was talking about.

He told me he didn't know,he hadn't pulled out the How To Spank Your Hiney handbook or anything.

That's a direct quote people.


I told him I was just curious what influenced all of that.

He mostly said he didn't know and asked if I liked it.

Yes thank you I did. I asked him that back did you like it?

Yes.

Oh. Okay then. Just wondering.

He started to get frisky but he had to go back to work and work super late. I asked him if he would wake me when he got home. He said he would if I wanted him to. But I added quickly can you just not make it take too long?


I realized as soon as I said it it sounded as if I meant the whole thing. I clarified that I meant the waking. Just do it quick be assertive none of that slow gentle petting lasts forever oh my gosh I just want to sleep stuff. That makes me grumpy.

He understood my meaning and said

You'd better sleep naked then.

I'm playful and just because I wanted to hear him get really demanding I said

Naked? Not even panties?

Especially not those!

Before he left I made a request that he trim his whiskers. They were too long and I like 'em scratchy,not soft. He made a request right back to me.

Um who are you and where is Jack?

This is what I'm talking about. Nothing nothing nothing suddenly stuff talking communicating flirting touching sex...

My roller coaster. I'm a little hesitant to open back up when I've just figured out I might need to say goodbye. But when it's here it's so good. And I find it impossible to say no to what I want so much. And so for now I guess I'm along for the ride. At the mercy of the merry-go-round.

Let's see what the next six months has to offer.

It's Just Too Quiet

Again with the crickets.

The elevator music.

We can just call it a vacation but it's not very relaxing.

Or how about a moment of silence?

Except I'm not mourning anything.

Except maybe I am.

I don't know how to blog right now.

I'm just sad.

Sometimes I just feel like my world is in limbo.

It's most likely the distance.

The revolving the repetition.

The up and down the merry-go-round.

I want to add music to my blog so when you come here it won't be so silent.

Until I have the words that won't make trouble for myself I need music.

Lots and lots of music.

Going down.

Ding.

Peace

Things are peaceful here once again.

I feel better. Lighter. Thank you guys who commented telling me to hold on to my dreams and just allow for adjustments. I'm figuring out a way to 'let the seams out a bit'. When you can fit the Grand Canyon in between Jack and I (and what I mean by that is that there is distance) I get so overwhelmed. Life starts to feel impossible. I need the closeness.

I started finding my way back to Jack by having a conversation with my friend E.

side note:if you are a friend of mine irl and are reading my blog would you please take a moment and gosh I don't know TELL ME?


My friend E and I are friends for many reasons but there is this thing that we do. It's a little about tuning into the same brain frequencies. I won't go as far as to say we know what each other are thinking but if I think a lot about something it seems as if he will bring it up. Many times we have picked up the phone to call the other and it doesn't even ring. We are just there. I might call and ask to have coffee and he says 'seriously? I was just picking up my phone to ask you about coffee' and vice versa.

This has happened many times. And so maybe that's why it seems as if some things he has said recently make me think he is hinting at knowing about my secret undercover blog. So if you are reading it see side note above. 


I digress.

E and I were having a discussion. He said something he believed to be true about me. I felt defensive and I told him there was no point in arguing with him. He had obviously made up his mind about what to believe. He said that that actually proved his point about what he thought to be true. But he wouldn't let it go. He told me to make him understand. Close to tears I tried again. He listened with an open mind. He told me that he must have drawn the wrong conclusion and then he told me in essence:

Jillian Bea, you know yourself better than anyone. If I say something that isn't true you can say 'E you are wrong'. And then show me the truth. Don't just back down. I don't know everything. 


Something about the way he said it,used my name,sounded so sincere just empowered me. I realized he was right. I do know myself better than anyone. There is no reason why I shouldn't believe what I feel and know to be true.

That isn't to say I'm going to be more close minded. I don't want that. It was just a reminder to believe in myself.

We spoke briefly about the distance I felt in between Jack and I. He reminded me that marriage takes work. Sometimes the same work over and over again. He reminded me of the effective way to communicate.

Leave your defenses at the door.


He also told me (again) why he believed writing in a journal could be so very helpful in organizing one's feelings. The benefits of coming back to read anytime the need arises.

His gentle urging is of course one reason why I keep a blog. I have to bite my tongue whenever he reminds me that journaling would be a great idea. Because of our unique connection and my inability to lie I worry that if I tell him I am,I do he will get out of me that it's in the form of a blog and that from there he will figure out the rest. And that probably wouldn't be so bad except that sometimes I think that it would.


I digress...again.


Because E had just reminded me to believe in myself I entered a conversation with Jack feeling very much empowered. And confident. And optimistic.

 It was Thursday. Jack wanted to talk of work. I pushed the topic of dd and he pushed back. He keeps telling me he just doesn't understand but I'm not sure I believe that. I asked him

What do you imagine it to be? What do you imagine a husband involved in this lifestyle is like?


I could feel the resistance radiating off of him. His word were clipped. His voice sounded...tight?

He told me he imagined the men were controlling. Arrogant. That they must be full of themselves and angry. He told me he feels as if I'm asking him to be someone he is not. To change who he is and it is pulling him in a direction he isn't willing to go.

I could feel my defenses rising to the surface. I was ready to reject everything he just said. Just let it ricochet right off of me,add some stuff and pummel him with it. Get angry,get quiet and eventually walk away.

But.

I didn't believe Jack believed what he had just said.

And.

I remembered my conversation with E. I remembered the way he had said to communicate.

 I remembered it but I didn't feel like doing it.

Jack was saying he believed all those men were bad and this just couldn't be a real and good thing. Since I feel like it is a part of me, like it's built into me I guess it felt as if he were rejecting a part of me and it felt like an attack.

When a part of you is being attacked it's only natural to put up your defenses. But there was E in the back of my mind saying that that wouldn't be an effective thing to do.

I mentally paused. We were silent while I regrouped. I recognized the feeling of being attacked. It was the same day as my conversation with E. It was fresh in my mind. I realized that I felt as if Jack were rejecting a part of me. And then I heard E

You know yourself better than anyone Jillian Bea. 


I let the empowering feeling wash over me. I decided not to back away. I wanted to tell Jack this is me please don't deny what I consider part of me.

This is what came to mind to say. Staying calm I just told him that I know him. I could hear the way he was speaking and that I didn't believe he honestly believed what he was saying. I told him that in most (but certainly not all) instances that I have read about it's the women who bring this to the men. The women that I have read about certainly do not sound as if they are being abused. They don't sound as if they are looking for a way out. They don't write of their husbands as being brutes. And I have read many times that the men do struggle with this in the beginning. That learning dd is a process and many comments encourage us to take things slow and give ourselves time.

Do you know what he did? He listened. Since he didn't feel attacked he actually listened and he even told me that because I stayed calm and spoke honestly it made him want to hear me.

Imagine that.

We continued our talk then. He was listening even if he was still resisting. Him being a little more open minded,me thinking of all that I have read that he has not. I tried to think of the overall message that I wanted to convey that would help him wrap his mind around this.

I decided it may be helpful to relate it to work. Primarily our business has been his domain and the house mine. Realizing recently that we both needed a break from the everyday mundane aspects of the daily grind we've integrated. I can see now since beginning to work a few hours each week that he is feeling the way at work much the same as I am feeling at home.

Overwhelmed. Unorganized. Wondering what it was all for anyway. Defeated. Tired. Needing help.

Before we began talking of dd that evening we spoke of a plan for the business.  We named priorities,set goals and worked together to figure out the best plan of action.

I brought that back up. I felt a kind of urgency in trying to convey to him once again how desperate I feel for some help at home. Telling him how dd to me is mostly a tool. He likes tools. How if he uses it as a tool to help me suddenly I feel as if I have a purpose. When I feel I have a purpose for doing the circular chores (you know the ones that have to be done over and over and you start to wonder WHY? or WHY ME?) everything else sort of comes into light. Things have meaning and life can happily go on.

When we make goals together and work toward them together life doesn't seem like such a burden. He asked me how can he do that for me here (at home). I saw he was thinking how am I going to do these things for you,don't I already help out enough,don't I have enough on my plate? 


I told him it wasn't about completing my chores for me. The help I want goes like this: Share with me what would make you happy,tell me what you want to see done. In all aspects of our lives,not just the chores. And then for goodness sake and for the sake of motivation hold me accountable.

He thought for a few minutes. Still using his angry clipped words he said sounding both flabbergasted and sarcastic:

So this all comes down to you needing to know what I need?


And then,my friends,a mysterious light filled the room,somewhere in the world a huge body of water parted revealing dry earth beneath,blind men everywhere were made to see,the heaven's opened up and angelic voices filled the room singing the Hallelujah Chorus in perfect four part harmony and Jack understood what I was saying.

Although I gave no outward reaction,inside I was jumping for joy. A grin spread across my inner face. I thought a 'yes' that might sound,if you heard it aloud much like a 'yes' shared in an intimate moment between two lovers.

I'm pondering why I kept my reaction to myself. Perhaps it's because Jack kept talking and I didn't want to interrupt the epiphany he was having.

His demeanor changed. He relaxed. His tone was softer.

Maybe you all didn't realize exactly what it was that I was after. It's so many things but it begins there. It begins with Jack letting me in,sharing himself with me,letting me be his everything so he can in turn be mine. Focusing on little things like chores so that we can learn each other and this lifestyle. Help each other and for the love of Pete move forward together.

I'm not sure but I think I've been banned from using the phrase 'move forward'.  Jack said he is sick of hearing it.

Any suggestions on a replacement?

It may seem like such a small thing to you. But for us it's huge. Jack struggles with showing his needs. With even believing he has needs. He isn't arrogant. He was just told as a child that the things he expressed as needs were wrong. That he wasn't actually feeling the feelings he described when conveying them to his parents. And it stays with him even now. We are working on this.And his realization does indeed suggest that we are moving forward taking a step in the right direction!

As I was re-reading this I realized that when I calmly informed Jack that I didn't believe that he believed what he was saying about the men involved in this lifestyle that I had done the same thing he says his parents did to him as a child. Since it didn't have ill effects I've concluded that I think it was different in that Jack didn't actually believe what he was saying. I wasn't denying a deeply rooted feeling.

Out talk continued. We moved to the bathroom so Jack could shower. He (like me) feels safer when the curtain is in between us. I tried to think of other things regarding dd I might be taking for granted as common knowledge. I told him of the four d's. I told him that really there are 5 d's. The label-er just hasn't gotten around to making it official. I wanted to reiterate again my need for having him give me (at least for now) something daily to focus on. I think this time he understood.

I'm going to tell E that his advice was good and it worked for us and then cross my fingers and hope he doesn't see the need to ask what we were talking about.

The next morning after getting ready for work Jack woke me. He sat on the bed next to me rubbed my arm and asked if I could hear him.

I mumbled at him.

He listed out very carefully and in detail what he wanted for me to work on. He even told me the reasons why he wanted those things done. I thought it was very sexy.

I happily did what he asked. Today it's the weekend but he is working. Today he didn't give me anything to do and I am happily not doing much except for blogging.

Today I'm in a good place.

Things are peaceful here once again.

Write Right Right Write

I feel defeated. And so I write.

I'm not doing so hot. A couple weeks ago something happened that made me feel like I was spinning out of control. Add to that a few more separate and unrelated events and things just spiraled down.

Does everyone go through this stage in life? This stage where you are working working working to get ahead so you can do what you really want to be doing but wonder if there is a point where you should just stop? Not give up on life or anything just redirect. How are you supposed to know if what you are doing will be worth the effort?

I think life is worth the chance. The chance of trying something new making it happen. Jack feels life it worth a chance too. Trying to build a business that will support us long term. Working a job that most definitely will have ill side effects on his health.

Of course we should look toward the future. But what about now? Jack wants to make his business work. I want to see him succeed. I want to see him happy. Is it worth his health?

There is no guarantee that if we are able to build a successful business it will remain so until our last days. I feel like I'm just a complainer. If we meet our goal of having a successful business I just see the remainder of our days spent here where we are reaping the reward.

I want to live a quiet happy life with Jack. That sounds so amazing. I remember telling him that I didn't care where we lived. Be it a mud hut a shanty a shack a lean-to it was all the same to me. As long as we were happy. And by happy I know you guys know by now I mean close. Connected.

So why does that thought make me feel panicked? It's because I have this thing. It's built in and I don't know how to un-install it. I have a spirit of adventure. It feels wrong. I need Jack to be happy. I would never ask him to give up on something he wanted to do. I know I can be happy following his lead...

So why am I crying?

To imagine quietly letting go of my impossible sounding dreams feels like it would be so so hard. But it's part of it right? Submission. Following your husband doing what he feels is the right thing to do. Jack doesn't demand I submit. I choose to. I'm sure what we are doing is one right thing to do.

I wouldn't want to be responsible for making those decisions. Not unless I had to. Then I'm sure I could. But I don't have to,no one is going to look at me if things don't pan out for making wrong choices.

I don't carry that burden. But talking of what I want to do. Suggesting a different road seems like I'm just adding stress. I want to lessen stress. Just let go and believe and be happy. Three. Simple. Steps.

I'm processing on beginning work on number one.

Letting go is so hard. I'm not sure I can. Is it just because I'm nearing 30? Is it some sort of life event,some right of passage? To feel as if all your hopes and dreams are swirling away? Is feeling like time is running out and there is a rush to squeeze in everything you've thought about your whole young adult life normal?

I bet a lot of people would say yes. That it will pass. That things will settle down and you will realize what is really important. What does that mean? Really important?

Right now I feel like my hopes and dreams are really important. They are not just words on some self gratifying bucket list to me. I feel like giving them up would be giving up me. I have to be a someone too.

I am just utterly overwhelmed at the amount of things Jack and I are responsible for taking care of. We are two people. I feel like I can't keep up. Feeling like I'm not keeping up had defeated me. I've given up on some things.

The thing about giving up is A) Those things are still there,everyday staring at you mocking you and B) you don't give up and feel amazing. You give up and feel crappy. So then you feel overwhelmed,defeated and crappy.

29 is lovely. 30 has some making up to do.

I'm not sure what conclusion I'm looking for here. I think I'm coming across as whine-y. Really it just hurts. I thought writing it out would help.

Let's move on.

I'd like to talk about sex. I don't know how to respectfully go there.

I'd like to make a list of my hopes and dreams but I don't think this is the place.

I wrote Jack an e-mail. Telling him some things that I'm pretty sure are going to make him upset with me.

But like I said. I feel defeated. And so I write.